Aviation Humour


Tower conversations

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?"
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Just for everyone's information, Korso is a district of Vantaa, Finland.

It was a sunny day at EFHK (Helsinki-Vantaa) and a Finnair MD-11 was moving towards rwy 22L.

FIN MD: Tower, those photographers should be moved from their place...
Tower: Fin MD: They have a permission for being (a short pause)

FIN MD: Tower: They really should be removed.
Tower: Fin MD: They really have a permission...

(a pause again)

Fin MD: Tower: We're lined up on rwy 22L. Remove those photographers.
Tower: Fin MD: For the last time. They have a permission, so they won't be removed!

Fin MD: Tower: Ok then. Will be flying to Beijing and those boys will fly to Korso!

Instrument Flying..

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

· Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

· Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

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